Practical Hoax/Transcript
This is an episode transcript for Practical Hoax. Transcript Jason: Michelle! Hurry! You gotta see this! Michelle: What? Jason: Just come in here, pronto! Michelle: (screams) Jason: (laughs) Michelle: I'm soaked! Jason: Yeah! (laughs) You look like a drowned rat! Grandmum: What's all the commotion, children? Oh, dear, Michelle, you're as wet as the London fog. Jason: My sister, the London frog! (laughs) Michelle: That's fog! Jason did it! Jason: Lighten up, Michelle. It was just a joke. Grandmum: Oh, Jason, that's not funny. And it's no joke. Jason: Sure it is, Grandmum. See? I've rigged up this cool pulley system to that loose floorboard. Worked perfectly. Grandmum: The Good Book says, "Like a madman who throws firebrands and arrows, is the man who tricks his neighbor and says 'I was only joking.'" Jason: Fire arrows? Nothing like that up here, just harmless water. Grandmum: The point is it's not funny if it's mean. Your granddad used to say, "A joke is a funny story, a prank is a trick on somebody." And when that somebody gets humiliated, it's not funny. Oh, wise man, your granddad. Michelle: Yeah, how'd you like a bucket of water dumped on your head. Grandmum: Think about that, Jason. And Michelle, go get into some dry clothes. Jason: No sense of humor. None, zero, zippo, nada. Zidgel: Big mission, cadet. Border Collie Federation and Tennis Ball People of planet Fetch are going at it, tooth and...and...tooth and...tennis ball, I guess. Jason: Wait, Michelle is drying off. Zidgel: We can't wait all day. Jason: She'll be back in a sec. Midgel: Okay, one down, one to go. Michelle: What's up, guys? Fidgel: We'll explain on the way. Zidgel: You're getting the seat wet, Michelle. Michelle: You can thank Jason. Zidgel: Oh, thank you, Jason. Minions #1 and #2: (sing) You so cute! You so cute! You have a button nose to boot. We wish we had a sailor suit. You so cute! Minion #2: Oh, master's so adorable dancing around! Yes him is! Yes him is! Minion #1: Him's a widdle bitty boy, widdle bitty, ooh, widdle bitty boy. Bert: Put me down, you monsterous aberrations! Bert: To think, that simple minded pumpkinheads like you, are given the honor of serving the galaxy's greatest criminal mind. Minion #1: But master, weren't we the only ones to answer your ad in the paper? Minion #2: That's right. Bad guy mastermind in need of subordinate minions, health benefits and 401K available. Bert: That's enough. Minion #1: Ooh, I joined for the 401k. There's a limit on how much you can invest, but still-- Bert: I said enough! Cavitus: You're a disgrace to minions everywhere. Hmm, yes, and I think it's about time you took a refresher course in military discipline. Cavitus: Log on. Yes, yes, uh. Come on. Come on. Minion #1: (yawns) Cavitus: Ah, here we are. The Federation Academy. That's what you need. Back to school for all of you. Those Academy teachers will make you the very models of modern major grovelers. Minion #2: But master, we can't go there. You're a bad boy wanted in 12 sectors. They would arrest you as soon as you docked ship. Cavitus: True, but they would have to recognize me first. (evil laughter) Zidgel: Captain's blog, stardate three niner niner point yada yada. Mission accomplished! Ah, how the words melt in my mouth. The U.S.P.F. Rockhopper has just succesfully established a peace treaty between the inhabitants of Planet Fetch and the Border Collie Federation. Michelle: And it wasn't easy, either. Zidgel: No, cadet, it wasn't, but such as the lot of interplanetary peacekeepers. I'd just like to see Gandhi make peace between dogs and tennis ball people. Michelle: Woah! Hey, is this somebody's idea of a joke? Jason and Midgel: (laugh quietly) Midgel: Great idea, Jason, a space aged whoopie cushion. Jason: Come on. I got a great joke we can play on Kevin. Kevin: Ahh! Kevin: Help! Ahh! Zidgel: (hums) Zidgel: Hey, is this--? This is guacamole! Who did this?! Zidgel: I said who--? Kevin! Get--Kevin! Get out of my way! Fidgel: Is something wrong, my dear? Michelle: I...I don't know...I...I... Fidgel: Hmm...off balance, I noticed. Caused by a lack of sleep, I think. If I were you--(sputters) Who did this? Zidgel: Kevin! I said get out of my way! Kevin: Woah! Fidgel: Oh, my! Michelle: Ow. Zidgel: I told you to get out of the way! Jason and Midgel: (laugh) Jason: Oh, that was priceless! Midgel: One for the books, I'd say! Michelle: Jason! Midgel! Did you guys do this?! Jason: We're a couple of comic geniuses! Right, Midgel? Midgel: You got that right, Jase. And the beds nailed to the ceiling? Oh, man! I thought I'd hurt myself laughing! Fidgel: Well, some of us weren't laughing. Midgel: Aw, lighten up, will ya, doc? Michelle: Lighten up? Jason, don't you remember what Grandmum said about pranks? Jason: Come on, Michelle. It was just a joke. Michelle: A joke? This isn't a joke. It's a prank. And not everyone is laughing so it's not funny. Jason: Aw, you don't think anything's funny. Zidgel: What wasn't funny? Did I miss something? Midgel: Yeah, I think you all missed something, like a sense of humor. Michelle: Midgel, it's not like that. We-- Admiral Strap: Penguins! Come in, penguins! Zidgel: Commander Strap, sir! Mission accomplished, sir! Tennis balls and dogs getting along now, sir! Kevin, get out of the way! Admiral Strap: Excellent work as usual, penguins. You have no new assignment, but I do have a favor to ask of you. Zidgel: Move, will you! Yes, sir! A favor for the old commander. It would be a pleasure, sir. Admiral Strap: Yes. (clears throat) Well then. It seems that some of the faculty at Federation Academy have come down with a serious case of the penguin pox. Fidgel: Oh my! Penguin pox. I hope everyone is drinking herbal tea. Admiral Strap: Herbal tea. Uh, roger, doctor. I'll pass that along. Anywho! I was wondering if I could call on the stalward crew of the Rockhopper to fill in for the day. You know, be substitute teachers. Midgel: Teachers? Us? Admiral Strap: Sure. You're alumni. The voice of experience. Midgel: The voice of experience. Yeah, I like the sound of that. Zidgel: You can count on us, Commander! It'll be an honor to show young cadets how we roll in the big leagues. Minds of mush, they are! Waiting for a master sculptor to come in and-- Admiral Strap: Yeah, yeah. Eight o'clock sharp tomorrow morning, penguins. Over and out! Zidgel: Over and out! Kevin, you seem to have acquired the amazing ability to have things pass through you! Zidgel: Maybe tomorrow, you can show your students how you-- Zidgel: How you disappear in an instant! Holy cow! How do you do it? Zidgel: Oh, um...did I miss something? Zidgel: School days, school days. Wonderful golden rule days. Ha, just take a look at that kid there, will ya? I was young and fearless. Tawny and robust. And look, look! Jason: What? What are we supposed to be looking at? Zidgel: You don't see it? Fidgel: Hmm...I see you sort of halfway blinking. Zidgel: No, no! Alright, I'll give you a hint. You're looking for something that's not there. Midgel: Aww, this is silly. I give up. Zidgel: My chins! Look! There's only one! One chin! Ha, ha! Isn't that great?! Ah, for the days before the gobbler. Midgel: Alright, are we through with the tour down memory lawn? I have a class to teach. Fidgel: Here are your schedules. Midgel, you'll be teaching "Introduction to Federation Piloting Techniques". Midgel: Stellar! Jason, you willing to give me a hand? Jason: Absolutely! Fidgel: Zidgel, you'll be handling "Leadership Principles 101". Zidgel: Yes, of course I will. Zidgel: Ah, yes! I remember it well, young people. Walking these hallowed halls, reuniting with fraternity brothers after a long summer, getting ready for fall term. Autumm is a particulary beautiful season in space. There is a certain--hmm, what do you call it?--crispness to the void. (inhales) Ahh! Can you smell it? Michelle: I can smell something. Zidgel: Hee, hee! Oh, man! I can remember this one time when Charlie Shtolfitz put breakfast cereal in his socks and then went to the dean's office-- Michelle: What is it, Fidgel? Fidgel: Come with me, dear! I don't have a class to teach so I thought we could use this time to do a little detective work. Michelle: Detective work? Fidgel: Yes! Remember when you asked me awhile back what happened to the inventor of the galeezel? Michelle: Oh yeah. Bert something. Fidgel: Bert Bertman. He graduated from here fifteen years ago. I thought we could check the alumni records and see if they give us any indication where he set off to. If we find him-- Michelle: He can tell us how Cavitus wound up with a spare part for the galeezel. Fidgel: Right. We have to make sure Cavitus doesn't have a galeezel of his own. Michelle: That wouldn't be good news, huh? Fidgel: Oh, my, yes. He'd use it to shrink the entire universe to the size of a golfball. Michelle: Yeah, that'd be bad...unless you play golf. Midgel: So, landing gear, as it turns out, is pretty necessary. Now, I know what some of you are thinking, "What if we never land?" Believe me, mate, eventually you'll want to land. Am I right, Jason? Jason: Absolutely. Midgel: It's just one of those design issues we keep coming back to. You see-- Midgel: Uh...tardy, aren't we, mate? Cavitus: Tardy? Uh, why yes! Uh, Cadet Tardy reporting for class, sir! Minions #1 and #2: (snicker) Midgel: Huh? Your name is Tardy? Baron von Cavitus: Ai! That's right! Tardy! Uh, Tardy McYumYum. And these are my pals, Belated and Unpunctual. Minions #1 and #2: (snicker) Midgel: Okay, alright. I got it. Very cute. Now would you please sit down so we can continue this class. Cavitus: (whispers) Doh, oh, this is so rich! We shall forgo your education and have some fun with this witless waterfowl! Minion #1: Yes, master! Hee, hee. Fidgel: Ah! Here we are! Bert Bertman, class of 2222. Captain of the lip sync team, mm-hmm. Member of the Gamma-Hamma-Ring-Ding. Well, I didn't know that. Bert was first in his class! Huh, good for you, Bert! Michelle: According to this, Bert studied engineering but opted for a career as an interdimensional travel agent. And look! Fidgel: Well, what do you know? And here are some partial documents. Huh, blueprints for the galeezel! Midgel: It's a common misconception that you should downshift every time you take the ship up. I've seen more clutches burnt out that way. My experience tells me that you should apply the break firmly and--owwwwww! Woah! Alright, which one of you did this?! Jason: Midgel! Midgel! It's-- Midgel: I said, who did this?! Cavitus: (snickers) Midgel: Oh! Mr. Tardy, I see! Is this your idea of a joke, Mr. Tardy? Is it?! Cavitus: A joke? Oh no, Mr. Midgel. Perish the thought! Midgel: Perish the thought, huh? I'll show you perish the--What? Hey! Cavitus: Now that, that is my idea of a joke, Mr. Midgelly Midgel, sir! (laughs) Entire class: (laughs) Cavitus: No more penguins! No more books! No more Midgel's dirty looks! (laughs) Come one, everyone! I am filled with mirth and gaity! Laugh with me! Laugh with me! Fidgel: Oh yes, these are Bert's blueprints for the galeezel, alright. See? They match. And here's a drawing of the combobjulator. It's the part of the galeezel that shrinks and/or blows up the victim--ahem! I mean the dimensional traveler, of course. But there's no indication of what happened to Bert. But if Cavitus had a combobjulator, he must have run into Bert. And stole it from him. Oh my, I hope he didn't hurt the furry little guy. Michelle: Wow, Dr. Fidgel, it says here that, in the end, Bert the Hamster went bad. Fidgel: Went bad? What do you mean? Michelle: I mean he went off the deep end, as far as hamsters go. At one point he attempted to take over the Academy and make himself Honorary Dean of Evil. Fidgel: Dean of Evil? Oh, that sounds more like a liberal arts position to me. And besides, I knew Bert. He wasn't evil! He was cute and cuddly! Midgel: Well, Jason. I think I'm beginning to catch on why everyone was so mad about our little prank. Jason: Yeah, a prank isn't funny when someone is humiliated. I guess I didn't realize it til that someone was me. Tell-a-Liar: Stop this, I say! Stop this right now! You should all be ashamed of yourselves! Look at you! Look at them! Do you really think this is funny? Do you really enjoy seeing other people humiliated? Is this your idea of entertainment? Making other people feel awful? Is it? Jason: Whew! Thanks. Tell-a-Liar: Now, does the class have anything they want to say to our substitute teachers who were kind enough to take time from their busy schedules to come here and speak with us today? Students: We're sorry. Cavitus: Sorry?! Sorry?! C'mon, people! We were all having such a great time! Tell-a-Liar: But a joke is only funny when everyone can laugh. And I can think of at least two people who weren't laughing. Wait-Your-Turner: I didn't think it was funny, either. I guess I laughed because I was scared of not being with the group. Jason: Yeah, following the group isn't always the best idea, especially if they're doing something that hurts someone else. Midgel: No worries, mates. Actually, Jason and I did the same thing to our friends just yesterday. We've learned a valuable lesson today. Cavitus: We've learned a valuable lesson today! Oh, good night, moon! You people really disgust me! And to think I sent my minions here to get an education! Never again! Students: (gasp) Cavitus: Cower before me, sycophants, for I am the great and terrible Cavitus! Midgel: Cavitus! Jason: That's what I was trying to tell you earlier. Midgel: Amazing what a pair of glasses can do. And a mustache. And a big nose. And those Andy Rooney eyebrows. Cavitus: And now, I shall fulfill my long held desire to undermine this derivative institution and make myself Honorary Dean of Evil! Cavitus: Or not. Minions! Escape! Midgel: Right, then, lads! Get 'em! Come on, this way! Zidgel: Ah, for those wonderful days of yore! The bonfires! Haircare marathons! Charlie Shtolfizt and his sock full of breakfast cereals! Zidgel: Ha, ha! Looks like a water balloon war! C'mon, chums! Let's go make some memories! Follow me! Michelle: Dr. Fidgel, look! It's Cavitus. Fidgel: Oh, don't be silly, dear. Cavitus didn't have high enough test scores to get in here. Michelle: Then maybe he broke in! Look! Fidgel: Stop right there, Cavitus! Reach for the sky! It's detention for you, pal. Fidgel: Ooh! Time to break out the galeezel. Cavitus: Awww! Curses! Curses! Angry ranting and more curses! Ahhhh! Fidgel: Hmm, never hit a moving target before. I should try skeet shooting. Cavitus: Get us out of here, you chucklehead! To the ship! Minion #2: I was going to see if you could come out and play today, but we ended up being kind of busy. Cavitus: Minions! Minion #2: Oops! Gotta run. See you later, Kevin. Kevin: Bye-bye. Zidgel: Whew! That was fun! Ha, ha! Um...who were we chasing? Jason: Hey, Michelle. I'm sorry I played those pranks on you earlier. Michelle: You mean those jokes? Jason: No, I mean pranks. Like Grandmum said. Pranks aren't funny when they humiliate people. A joke is only funny when everyone laughs. Grandmum: Is it safe to come up? Jason: Sure. Come in, Grandmum. Grandmum: I wasn't sure if I'd get a bucket of water on my head. Jason: No, I learned my lesson, Grandmum. Grandmum: Good. I have something for you two. Jason: "Best Joke of the Year"? Best joke? I thought you said-- Grandmum: Read the inscription. Michelle: "Like a madman who throws firebrands and arrows, is the man who deceives his neighbor and says 'I was only joking.'" Jason: What does that mean? Grandmum: Granddad knew how to make people laugh without making someone feel bad. Firebrands and arrows are things that are hurtful. Michelle: And just plain mean. Jason: I see the connection. What might be funny to us might feel like "firebrands" and "arrows" to someone else. Grandmum: I'd say you're on your way to making people laugh, yourself. Good night, pumpkins. Say your prayers. Grandmum: Oh, did I forget something up there? Jason and Michelle: (laugh) Category:Transcripts Category:3-2-1 Penguins! transcripts Category:Finished Transcripts